Thursday, July 30, 2009

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

This weather really has me bummed. So what do I do trying to make myself feel better? I start deep cleaning closets. Let me tell you how little it really helps...but anyways, while cleaning the closets I found some random newborn clothes of Ash's that I must've never unpacked when we moved.

These tiny baby things made me very sad. I want another child so bad, but unfortunately my body will not get on track. I hate having PCOS, I hate that I can't do the one thing that my body was made to do. As I'm watching Ashlyn grow up I realize how much I miss having her be little. I miss nursing, I miss co-sleeping (although I do allow her to sleep with me as much as possible, she doesn't choose that very often), I miss having her be dependent on me. She is definately little miss independent now and doesn't need her Mama so much anymore.

I feel like I shouldn't be so upset. Their are plenty of women out there who are still pining to have their first baby and here I am whining when I have two beautiful children. Is it so wrong to want to feel my baby move and kick inside me again? Or get to stare down at my baby while she takes nurishment at my breast?

I have no one who I can really talk to about this. I'm sure my mom and sister are fairly sick of hearing this. Jay doesn't really understand why I'm upset he just thinks it'll happen when its the right time. He really enjoys how interactive Ash is now and doesn't remember the sweetness of having a small infant. They had a different kind of relationship then.

But here we are coming up on 1 year of actively trying to get pregnant without any success. I've had maybe 7 cycles and 2 ovulations. Damn PCOS.

I'm done purging myself of this inner pain. I swear I will stop whining for now. Really I will.

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