Taking a TTC Break

Unfortunately another downfall on the TTC front. With Jay leaving to be a long haul trucker, that means TTC has to go on the back burner. With him gone 3 weeks out of the month and then only home for a weekend it doesn't leave us with the right schedule to keep trying.

I am still struggling with this. Although I know he is doing what is best for his family it kills me to have to stop. This just adds to my stress. I want more children and unfortunately that does not come easy for me.

My heart breaks thinking it could be another year before I'm able to try again.

Finally Started a New Cycle...

I finally started a new cycle. This is after have a 78 day cycle. I'm hoping I will actually ovulate this time. It is kinda perfect timing since I'm on vacation all week.

The only thing bringing me down is that my CBEFM test sticks that I ordered 8 days ago have not arrived yet. Hopefully they'll be here Monday (I'll be CD 10) and I can start testing right away.

Keep your fingers crossed that this is our month!

C'mon Aunt Flo

Seriously, this is one time in my life when I would really like to see my old friend

show up. But no. 51 days since she last made an appearance. I'm really frustrated.

How am I ever gonna become a Mommy again if I don't have a cycle? Damn PCOS.

Arrgghh...

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

This weather really has me bummed. So what do I do trying to make myself feel better? I start deep cleaning closets. Let me tell you how little it really helps...but anyways, while cleaning the closets I found some random newborn clothes of Ash's that I must've never unpacked when we moved.

These tiny baby things made me very sad. I want another child so bad, but unfortunately my body will not get on track. I hate having PCOS, I hate that I can't do the one thing that my body was made to do. As I'm watching Ashlyn grow up I realize how much I miss having her be little. I miss nursing, I miss co-sleeping (although I do allow her to sleep with me as much as possible, she doesn't choose that very often), I miss having her be dependent on me. She is definately little miss independent now and doesn't need her Mama so much anymore.

I feel like I shouldn't be so upset. Their are plenty of women out there who are still pining to have their first baby and here I am whining when I have two beautiful children. Is it so wrong to want to feel my baby move and kick inside me again? Or get to stare down at my baby while she takes nurishment at my breast?

I have no one who I can really talk to about this. I'm sure my mom and sister are fairly sick of hearing this. Jay doesn't really understand why I'm upset he just thinks it'll happen when its the right time. He really enjoys how interactive Ash is now and doesn't remember the sweetness of having a small infant. They had a different kind of relationship then.

But here we are coming up on 1 year of actively trying to get pregnant without any success. I've had maybe 7 cycles and 2 ovulations. Damn PCOS.

I'm done purging myself of this inner pain. I swear I will stop whining for now. Really I will.