Just a Random Rant...

Dear PCOS,

I hate you.

Love,
Me

I really don't like using that word, but in this instance it is most fitting. I don't like how one little acronym can strike such fear, disgust,and loathing in one person. I hate having to define my life by this disease.

I have recently started eating more healthy again. I had started in December but unfortunately the holidays kinda threw that outta whack. So back on the bandwagon I am. I hate this counting calories stuff, but it is better for me to eat when I'm hungry and to end my love relationship with (too much) food.

For me carbs are my enemy. And when I say carbs I don't mean fruits and veggies (although fruits should be eaten in moderation due to their sugar content), I mean bread and starches. I love bread, but unfortunately it does horrible things to my blood sugar which in turn causes me to pack on pounds and not ovulate.

My birthday is in 3 weeks. I will be 28. This means my time to become a mommy again has been limited by 1 year. With Jay only being home 3 days a month it has limited our time to TTC also. I need to ovulate!!! The only way that will happen is to lose weight and regulate my insulin resistance. So healthier eating here I come!

I do alright sticking to my diet if I'm home. It's when I go to other peoples houses that things go horribly wrong. Maybe I'll just stay home and hibernate for a few months?

ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

I just want to be a mommy again.

Finally Started a New Cycle...

I finally started a new cycle. This is after have a 78 day cycle. I'm hoping I will actually ovulate this time. It is kinda perfect timing since I'm on vacation all week.

The only thing bringing me down is that my CBEFM test sticks that I ordered 8 days ago have not arrived yet. Hopefully they'll be here Monday (I'll be CD 10) and I can start testing right away.

Keep your fingers crossed that this is our month!

C'mon Aunt Flo

Seriously, this is one time in my life when I would really like to see my old friend

show up. But no. 51 days since she last made an appearance. I'm really frustrated.

How am I ever gonna become a Mommy again if I don't have a cycle? Damn PCOS.

Arrgghh...

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

This weather really has me bummed. So what do I do trying to make myself feel better? I start deep cleaning closets. Let me tell you how little it really helps...but anyways, while cleaning the closets I found some random newborn clothes of Ash's that I must've never unpacked when we moved.

These tiny baby things made me very sad. I want another child so bad, but unfortunately my body will not get on track. I hate having PCOS, I hate that I can't do the one thing that my body was made to do. As I'm watching Ashlyn grow up I realize how much I miss having her be little. I miss nursing, I miss co-sleeping (although I do allow her to sleep with me as much as possible, she doesn't choose that very often), I miss having her be dependent on me. She is definately little miss independent now and doesn't need her Mama so much anymore.

I feel like I shouldn't be so upset. Their are plenty of women out there who are still pining to have their first baby and here I am whining when I have two beautiful children. Is it so wrong to want to feel my baby move and kick inside me again? Or get to stare down at my baby while she takes nurishment at my breast?

I have no one who I can really talk to about this. I'm sure my mom and sister are fairly sick of hearing this. Jay doesn't really understand why I'm upset he just thinks it'll happen when its the right time. He really enjoys how interactive Ash is now and doesn't remember the sweetness of having a small infant. They had a different kind of relationship then.

But here we are coming up on 1 year of actively trying to get pregnant without any success. I've had maybe 7 cycles and 2 ovulations. Damn PCOS.

I'm done purging myself of this inner pain. I swear I will stop whining for now. Really I will.

Stupid PCOS Diet

Ok, since I posted an entry on my fab banana bread now its time for a little whining. See I have PCOS this syndrome that effects my endocrine system and causes me to be insulin resistant. It also causes amongst the many symptoms infertility and makes it very hard for you to lose weight (especially in the tummy area). My darling husband and I have been trying to conceive another child pretty much since Ash was born with no luck.

This is where the diet comes in.

See my lovely OB/Gyn told me that if you lose as little as 11% of your body weight it can regulate your cycles and get you to ovulate. After 2 1/2 yrs of TTC last time I lost my 11% and conceived Ash on no fertility meds. So about 3 weeks ago I decided to give it a shot again.

So I use the website www.livestrong.com/thedailyplate to keep track of what I eat and how many calories I should eat to continue to lose weight. I don't follow any of the "fad" diets, I just eat as healthily as possible and keep my carbs and sugar down. I also try and eat as many raw foods as possible with a lot of fiber. Let me tell you I do feel way more energy and feel great when eating good.

It's just so darn hard. Especially with a rail thin husband who eats, and I'm not exaggerating, 5 times the calories I do a day and doesn't gain anything. The man is constantly snacking, barely eats any fruits or veggies, and could polish off an entire 1/2 gallon of ice cream a night if our budget allowed. I also have two young children (plus my niece who's over all week), and its very hard not to eat what they don't finish off of their plates.

In comes the banana bread. See I bake this divine smelling bread, but alas it does not fit into my diet. If I ate even the smallest piece my blood sugar would skyrocket. So as fast as its baked it gets divided up into servings and either packed in lunches, frozen, or put out of sight.

But I am doing good. I have lost 12 lbs already and I will not break my diet tonight.